Confession is good for the soul

This is the true story of a series of events that took place back in the mid-80’s in Little Rock, AR. I am sharing the details with you as a sort of confession. After all, I’ve been told that “confession is good for the soul.” I believe that my very soul was battered and bruised as I was associated with some heinous activities, done in the name of the Lord. The names I shall use are real. Because these are true facts, witnessed by more than a few people at the time of occurrence, I have no need to fear a suit for slander nor defamation of character. I am neither judge nor jury but I must believe that God will surely call the guilty to account for these crimes upon His children that were perpetrated in His Name.

As I stated, the story begins in the mid-1980’s. I was working in the Production Department at an independent UHF TV station in Little Rock when two others and I were approached to do some freelance work outside the station for a three-night televangelist’s program to take place in our Convention Center. The pay was good, very good, and the event did not interfere with our day jobs so Dan, John and I agreed to take on the project. I was to run sound while John and Dan were to run cameras. We arrived at the venue at the appointed time and met with the director. We should have turned on our heels and run with his first question.

After introductions and the slightest of niceties, the Director’s first question shot straight to the mark. He asked us, “Are any of you particularly religious?” As you might imagine, we three were a bit taken aback. Our best-shocked response was to tell him that two of us were Catholic and one was Baptist but we would be okay with whatever took place. I had no idea how sadly wrong I had been.

We began to get our instructions for the event and our eyes were further widened. John and Dan were told by the Director that, “sex sells.” He only wanted to see pretty ladies and handsome men on camera, dressed in nice clothes, showing bright smiles. He didn’t want to see shots of the common men or women. No video of country-looking people in overalls and jeans. I should remind you again that this was Little Rock, AR. The middle of a very agriculturally oriented state with people who were quite happy to be living a bucolic life. I like country folks. I like small towns. I was offended. The vast majority of the attendees would have been too. Again, we should have bolted.

The house filled to capacity. We were SRO (Standing Room Only) and a feeling of expectant reverence filled the hall. One could look about the crowd and tell that there were a lot of people that just wanted to be in the Presence, to witness something Holy, to see first-hand a miracle. Many of these people had brought every hard-earned dime they could put together to contribute to the work of God.

When the lights came up to reveal the star of the show the crowd received him with awe. W.V. Grant stood before this house in all his resplendent glory. I was no stranger to Mr. Grant. Our station aired his shows. I had already formed an opinion on his preaching. It should suffice to say that I believe he was not the man that the late Billy Graham was. I had always thought him to be more close to a snake-oil salesman. Not the kind of guy with whom I would entrust my salvation. I would come to find out that he was that and more (or less).

He knew how to work a crowd. I will give him that. He strode the stage like a cat. Before long he had his prey in the trap. The sheep were ready for fleecing. John and Dan were instructed to shut down their cameras and step away from the camera positions as Grant’s minions passed the KFC-sized buckets for collection. Grant wanted no videotape evidence of the plate (bucket) passing. I was beginning to feel really uncomfortable.

The collection ended and W.V. Grant set about the real work of closing the trap. The “healing” portion of the program was about to be staged. Low and behold, the Director gave instructions to the cameramen describing the “miracle” that was about to happen. He described in detail how the subject to be healed would react. Exactly how he/she would swoon. How and where he/she would throw their cane or crutches into the crowd.

I must stop here and say that I believe with all my heart that God works miracles and heals through prayer. I have witnessed it first hand (that is a story for another day). I do not believe that he tells a director in a production truck ahead of time exactly how it will transpire.

People came forward to be healed and with each one, the Director knew just how it would play out. The crowd was mesmerized. I was sick at my stomach. The trap had been skillfully set and closed on the unsuspecting prey.

Another collection was made. The same instructions were given to the cameramen. In fact, there were five, yes five, collections taken each night. I just knew that the Pulaski County Sherrif’s Department would be waiting for us when we left. These poor sheep, God’s flock, were being fleeced by a fraud. This swindler robbed these people as surely as if he held them at gunpoint. And I was not only a witness, I had been a coward and done nothing to stop it. To make matters worse, I came back for two more nights and the scenario was identical, right down to the people who were healed.

These needy souls, in search of a touch from God, came by the hundreds, by the thousands, to be nearer to their God who works miracles. Their faith drove them to the venue as surely as their cars brought them. They paid for tickets, for the privilege of being near His Holy Presence and they were violated, robbed by the very man from whom they expected great things.

I know that sin is sin and I have been told that there are no degrees of sinfulness. I have a bit of trouble with that. I have always seen someone who has raped a child, vandalized a church, or committed some other terrible crime against God to have committed a more weighty sin than say a shoplifter. I’m still working on that.

I make no excuses for my part in this sham. I can only say that I was not then the man I am now. This series of events actually helped to form the future Bill. I spent a lot of time in prayer in the days following. I spent much time telling God of my shame and begging to be forgiven. The telling of this story serves a couple of purposes. My conscience is finally clear, and maybe in the telling, someone else might not fall prey to this thief in preacher’s clothing.

( As a Post Script to this writing, in case you are curious, Grant’s shady character did catch up to him this side of Heaven. He was convicted of tax evasion and sent to prison after taking funds from his church in Dallas, TX to make a downpayment on his million dollars plus home there and never bothering to report the $100,000 as income. Upon his release from prison, he has returned to his “ministry.”)

Break our hearts for what breaks Yours

I assume you have guessed by now, with the many music references, that I am an audio junkie. All the way back to my high school days, Koss High-Velocity headphones on, the Allman Brothers full tilt; I would while away countless hours. Music has been my escape as far back as I can remember. Back in the day, we played vinyl, good old scratchy vinyl. One of my favorite parts of buying records was finding the liner notes. Yes, I was the geek that would read every word. I knew every tune and every sideman. Who played for whom? It has served me well over the years as I moved from rock and roll to jazz and blues back to classic rock and blues rock to modern blues rock and contemporary Christian music. I still read the liner notes when I can find them, although they are harder to find with today’s digital format.

Most of us know the feeling of having a song stuck in our heads. Sometimes it is a good thing, in the case of a good or great tune. Sometimes it is a bad tune, a mind-numbing nuisance. Sometimes you wake up with it, sometimes you catch a piece of it on your favorite audio source. Sometimes a mischievous friend will implant it in your brain. Think of this lovely beauty from back in the day (click at your own risk). Sorry, I couldn’t resist.

Enough of that. I said all that as an introduction to a recent discovery. God has sent me a message in a song and I can’t escape the lyrics. Driven to do my best to follow their suggestion, I went looking for the lyric sheet. I discovered that the song was penned by two of my favorites in today’s contemporary Christian music scene. The song is “Jesus, Friend of Sinners,” written by Mark Hall of Casting Crowns and Matthew West and performed by Casting Crowns. It goes like this…

 

“Jesus, friend of sinners, we have strayed so far away
We cut down people in your name but the sword was never ours to swing
Jesus, friend of sinners, the truth’s become so hard to see
The world is on their way to You but they’re tripping over me
Always looking around but never looking up I’m so double minded
A plank eyed saint with dirty hands and a heart divided

Oh Jesus, friend of sinners
Open our eyes to the world at the end of our pointing fingers
Let our hearts be led by mercy
Help us reach with open hearts and open doors
Oh Jesus, friend of sinners, break our hearts for what breaks yours

Yeah

Jesus, friend of sinners, the one who’s writing in the sand
Make the righteous turn away and the stones fall from their hands
Help us to remember we are all the least of thieves
Let the memory of Your mercy bring Your people to their knees
Nobody knows what we’re for only against when we judge the wounded
What if we put down our signs crossed over the lines and loved like You did

Oh Jesus, friend of sinners
Open our eyes to world at the end of our pointing fingers
Let our hearts be led by mercy
Help us reach with open hearts and open doors
Oh Jesus, friend of sinners, break our hearts for what breaks yours

You love every lost cause; you reach for the outcast
For the leper and the lame; they’re the reason that You came
Lord, I was that lost cause and I was the outcast
But you died for sinners just like me, a grateful leper at Your feet

‘Cause You are good, You are good and Your love endures forever
You are good, You are good and Your love endures forever
You are good, You are good and Your love endures forever
You are good, You are good and Your love endures forever

Oh Jesus, friend of sinners
Open our eyes to world at the end of our pointing fingers
Let our hearts be led by mercy
Help us reach with open hearts and open doors
Oh Jesus, friend of sinners, break our hearts for what breaks Yours

And I was the lost cause and I was the outcast
Yeah
You died for sinners just like me, a grateful leper at Your feet”

 

Just let the words wash over you for a moment. So many calls to show compassion and the words that stick in my mind, the prayer to “break our hearts for what breaks Yours.”  Many of us pray for help to become more Christ-like. I do, daily; I pray for a servant’s heart and to grow to be more Christ-like. It is something for which I need many corrective nudges from above. Some days I do better than just break even. I still have much work to do.

Many, if not most of us are too quick to judge, too slow to show compassion. The homeless beggar who has his hand out in front of our favorite fast-food stop more often than not provokes anger or aggravation, not empathy. Aren’t most of us just a few bad decisions and a lost paycheck or two from being in those same shoes?

And lest we forget, we are all broken sinners. Remember that the Bible tells us that “None is righteous, no, not one;”( Romans 3:10 ESV) and  for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God,” (Romans 3:23 ESV). For me, being more compassionate seemed a good place to start. It costs nothing.  My natural inclination is closer to turning a blind eye or something nearer to cynicism than compassion. We don’t all have a lot of money to give the homeless person or the orphan child but we all have the smile God gave us and the warmth of our hearts. Kindness goes a long way toward healing wounded souls.

 

Friends, I am no saint. This is in no form a lecture or righteous chest thumping. It is merely the observation of a struggling, broken man who is trying to make his little spot in this world a better place. My days have become less stress-filled since I first began to practice having a servant’s heart. My bookstore has become somewhat of a sanctuary. Often a place of prayer. A place where students often come just to say hello, or to brag about a new job or another life point. My students even complain when I am out of the office and they have to deal with someone else. Pretty funny, considering that my daughter is usually the “someone else.” Many of my students even came around hoping for a report on my recent surgery and recovery process. Kindness is infectious. Jesus called it the second great commandment.

37… you shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. 38 This is the great and first commandment. 39 And a second is like it: You shall love your neighbor as yourself.”  (Matthew 22:37-39 ESV)I may be wrong but it seems to me that if we all followed this commandment more closely, the world would be a far better place. I was once asked by a new acquaintance if I was a minister. My best response was “not nearly often enough.” I was pleased by his confusion. Today, I would be overjoyed to be asked if I was a disciple.

 

 

To everything there is a season…

Nearly every breathing soul on earth is familiar with this message. Whether from the song written in the 1950’s by Pete Seeger and made famous by the Byrds (Turn! Turn! Turn!), circa 1965. Or with the Bible passage from which it was taken.

1To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:

A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;

A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up;

A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;

A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;

A time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away;

A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;

A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace.                                                                       (Ecclesiastes 3:1-8 KJV)

I have been observing a season for healing and introspection. I had a knee replaced during the week of Thanksgiving. Recovery and rehabilitation has been an adventure that has taken a great chunk of my energies and most of my strength during the last 12 weeks. The good news, as always, is that God is good, all the time and I have come to find that my recovery is more than I bargained for.

That is the story. That is the message in the Bible passage. This is my story of the season that I found myself knee-deep (pardon the pun) in after my surgery.

Let me say first, that my surgery went off without a hitch. I had a great surgeon and the best nurses that I might have imagined. My physical therapist had me up and walking the halls of the hospital the day of surgery. Through the miracle of modern pharmacology, the pain was manageable and I couldn’t wait to be released for home. I got to go home on schedule and the storm clouds of impending difficulty began to form.

The doctor generously prescribed some strong (really strong) pain medicine which I took like clockwork and in a smaller-than-prescribed dose. Before the week was gone, the storm had fully developed and I found myself cut off from my version of reality and comfort. The narcotics had in effect turned me into a radish. I was, seriously, unable to form a coherent sentence. I was lost and alone in an uncomfortable daze. As I have previously confessed; I am no stranger to drugs and their effects on the user but this was something different. This was no blissful fog. I was not stoned as in the seventies. I was utterly and completely zombied.

Dose upon dose of this mind-numbing stuff and I found myself in a sort of void, a sensory vacuum. The worst part was that I began to feel isolated, especially so from God. I know, this sounds pretty melodramatic, but it was my reality, as skewed as it was.

I tried to say my prayers and not only could I not form my thoughts but I could not feel the presence of God at all. I was terrified! I am a pretty big guy and haven’t been really afraid of much in my life but this shook me to my core. I broke down as the storm washed over me. I felt that my soul was being battered by the terrible wind and drowned in the torrential downpour. I cried out the only way I knew how and I realized that the downpour was coming from within me.  Tortured by fear and shame I shook and wept over having somehow lost God. My wife at my side, she reassured me that this was all the work of the evil one and that deep inside I knew that my God would never forsake me. I knew that when we are not strong enough to cling to God, that is when he tightens his grip on us. He is faithful to never let us slip from his loving grasp.

This marked the beginning of my season to heal and to start some pretty serious soul searching. With God’s help and with Cynthia’s soothing words in my ears I began to see a break in the turbulence of the storm.  I concentrated harder and was able to reach out beyond the darkness, finding (at last) my God. He was right where he always is, waiting with open arms. I prayed hard, pouring out my fear and need. I realize that this all sounds overmuch and I suppose you would be correct in your thinking so. However, as the singer/songwriter Zach Williams reminds us, “fear is a liar”, and this had been the Mother of all Fears.

By the time my prayers had ended, I had promised the Father that I would put away the Oxy bottle and if He would help me with the pain I would dedicate my hard work in physical therapy and rehabilitation to His Glory. I also promised to increase my efforts to be an example of His Love to any who would come close enough to notice.

My season progressed. I took Tylenol before therapy sessions to dull the pain of extreme exercise, used ice packs a lot and made a rapid progression from a walker to a cane to walking unassisted. I am no longer parking in handicapped spots. I am now twelve weeks post-surgery and I have returned to serving on the altar at communion, scripture reading and leading Prayers for the People in my church. I never feel closer to the Father than at these times. I am richly blessed. I am in the gym three days a week, down about 30 pounds and have even moved the driver’s seat back to its original position, as my knee now bends better than before surgery. My only complaint is that when I sit for too long my knee stiffens and aches. But that is a “me” problem. The moral of that story is that I need to be more active than sedentary.

The season that began with storms and need and fear has turned into a beautiful season of hope and rebirth and pride in my God. He loves me, He loves us and is always waiting to hear from us. He is never more than a bent knee or bowed head away. He is faithful beyond any earthly measure.